"Dear Leader" smashes imperialist rice rockets

In between subjecting the world to nuclear blackmail and celebrating his sixty fifth birthday, the Dear Leader of North Korea finally found some time to address his one of nation's most serious domestic problems: Japanese cars.

Ok, so it's not really a problem, especially in a country where well over 90% of the populace scarcely has enough to buy walking shoes, let alone cars. But Kim no longer likes Japanese cars, and when you're a dictator posing as a demigod, your whim becomes law. The rumor has it that Lil' Kim was enraged after a broken down Japanese car (of unspecified make) was blocking the road on his trip back from his odious father's mausoleum. In a fit of pique, Kim ordered the state's formidable security services to confiscate all Japanese cars in North Korea "except those given as gifts" by Kim himself.

Apparently, Kim's revenge on rice rockets will mostly affect mid-level North Korean bureaucrats, as most upper level bureaucrats (that is, those in Kim's inner circle) drive Mercedes-Benzes. What's more, for the time being, those pesky sanctions have led to crippling gasoline shortages so severe that only those with high level political connections can get enough for normal usage.

The amazing speed with which his order was carried out leads ordinary people outside North Korea to sit in awe of Kim's amazing political powers, and fantasize about what the world would be like if he used them to, say, fix his wrecked economy, dismantle the police state, or coexist peacefully with his neighbors.

Nah.